Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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