Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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