It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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