made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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