matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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