how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He better not be in your backpack
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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