Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
