Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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