then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
