god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
