Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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