I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
