my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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