Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
