so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
