The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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