My liver just broke up with me...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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