I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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