yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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