Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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