I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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