I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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