Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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