Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
