Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
