you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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