The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
