I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
