you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
