I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
