my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
