The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
