if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Randomize
