apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
