I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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