Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
