somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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