We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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