I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
