remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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