Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
