I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
this hospital has no fireball
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
