I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
