I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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