The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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