My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
