Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
