I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
