remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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