I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
