we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
pray to the hookup gods
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
