Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
